I used to be part of a pokemon forum when I was in high school and it drew me in, meant more to me at the time, like nothing else I’ve encountered before—and if I really really think truly about it, like nothing else since.

I remember having the forum on my mind all the time, jotting down little notes throughout the day on what I would post when I got back home. It was what I did online, what the internet was for. Of course, it wasn’t ever about pokemon. The sense of belonging and community was immense.

I played out all forms of immature behavior there, spamming, flaming people, ego tripping, a lot of ego tripping, and indulging in all the rotten things a kid could indulge in when they don’t have that zoomed-out awareness to feel bad about them. Everything had direct relations. I got online I was happy, I got off I was sad. It’s funny.

I’m chewing this particular fat because I finally started reading Women in Love and all these things are jumping out at me. Specifically, I’m talking about people who have it in the head. This particular line just blows me away.

“What is it but the worst and last form of intellectualism, this love of yours for passion and the animal instincts?”

It’s so easy to appreciate what I’ve lost, to see how great I had it when I didn’t know or realize, and it just sucks so hard, SO HARD lol, to know now I can’t go back there, go home. I’ll need to look for something else besides ignorant bliss to get me through, and I have a gut suspicion it would require lots of work and pain and will.